I’ve been off work ill for the last few days and in between sleeping and dealing with the nastier side effects of gastro, I’ve been reading some different blogs about lesbians at different stages of trying to conceive. Some of the posts I have read have made me laugh, some cry and some have reminded me what an awful never-ending cycle long term fertility treatment is.
I wish I started this blog 4 years ago. I wish I had used this as an outlet for all my grief and frustration and fear that we would never have our baby. I wish I had more carefully chronicled our journey, all our amazing highs and our devastating lows. I wish I could read back through posts and remember exactly where we were at that stage. I wish I had recorded things at the time rather than trying to capture it four years down the track – it sounds a little hollow when I tell it now.
We are heading towards the official half way mark of our pregnancy and little by little, the bitterness and hardness I developed over the last few years is staying to wash away. While I am happy to leave it behind me, I feel a little guilty because I know what it’s like to be one still waiting while everyone else moves on.
While the negatives of our journey are probably easy to anticipate – emotional and physical toll, huge financial burden, pressure on relationships and the unbelievable stress and damage to our mental health, there are also unexpected positives. This post is from a parenting forum I wrote about 3 weeks before we found out L was pregnant – it sums up how I felt really well.
I am at the point now where I resent even going to the clinic. I am sick of my weekends being ruined by long miserable waits at the clinic, sick of never getting enough sleep due to charting temps and blood tests and trying to fit everything around work. I am sick of people asking what’s happening – when truthfully nothing is. I am sick of people having their second or even third baby in the time we’ve been trying for one. And I am so sick of people telling me to be positive or it won’t happen – thanks for the added pressure!
BUT I am glad I have a better relationship with my partner because of this – she is amazing. I am glad we have an incredible relationship with our donor (my best friend) because of this. I am glad it has given us time to really prepare for having a baby. I am glad I am older, wiser, and more invested in this. I am glad that when our baby arrives, we will never take anything for granted.
AND I am glad I will be a better parent and ultimately a better person because of this.
I really believe that.